Set Me Free (Movie Thoughts: Fifty Shades Freed)

7fiftyshadesfreed00_450Whenever I try to explain to people why I completed watching all three Fifty Shades movies, I answer with two words: Jamie Dornan. I mean, I am on Moviepass so the movie is basically free, so I don’t think it is such a major waste of time to spend two hours with Jamie Dornan almost completely naked. Right? Right? I mean, I can justify that, right?

Because I really feel like I need to. This third installment, ‘Fifty Shades Freed,’ isn’t the worst of the lost (that would be ‘Fifty Shades Darker,’ which was dull and boring) I still contend that the first one was surprisingly entertaining. This third one is just fine, as long as you do not take it too seriously. There is no plot here, so don’t even search for one. The film opens with Christian and Anastasia getting married, and then we get some nebulous things like stalkers and imaginary danger. And the two engage in a lot of sex. They are still mostly tame, and maybe that’s from me being very jaded, although there is a butt plug involved in one of them (off-camera) so there’s some deviation.

But other than that, the only thing for me here is Dornan, who is cute. He seems to be bored and rolling his eyes while acting, but then again most probably in the cast, and the audience are in on the same joke at this point. Hopefully next Valentine’s Day the world gets a movie release that’s a real love story.

Bloody Darkness (Movie Thoughts: FIfty Shades Darker)

fifty-shades-darker-ab-jpg.jpegI have to admit I liked the first Fifty Shades movie, so I was telling myself I should really see the second part, although I wasn’t really raring or excited to see ‘FIfty Shades Darker,’ the first sequel on the three-parter series based on E.L. James’ books (those books are so wretched I couldn’t fathom reading more than a page of them)  And I should have followed my instincts because this film is a bore – a bloody freaking bore that is a total waste of time. It follows the story a day after the first one ended (I could barely remember it) but basically, Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) begs Anastasia (Dakota Johnson) to come back to him, and this time no more rules. There are minor complications to their happiness – some pesky stalker woman, peskier boss of Anastasia who won’t leave her alone, a peskiest helicopter accident scare – but none of them will be believable enough to keep your attention. In between those scenes are padded by ‘erotic’ and ‘kinky’ sex scenes that are so robotic that any heat is sucked right out of them. Johnson and Dornan look so bored performing these scenes, and even though I don’t agree with everyone that they do not have chemistry, what little they have is killed by these run-of-the-mill kink stuff. I never believed any of it for a second. Surely both Johnson and Dornan deserve better than this? I bet they are just counting the days till they can both move on. Because, frankly, I have,.

50 Shades Of Pigeons (Movie Thoughts: Flying Home/Racing Hearts)

To capitalize on the success of the film 50 Shades of Grey,  “Racing Hearts” has been released on video. I think this was previously released all over Europe with the title of “Flying Home”  and I am guessing the title was changed because the new one would seem more romantic. What’s in a title? Funny how a change in it can alter the perception of a film. The movie, starring Jamie Dornan, is really less a romantic comedy and more one about pigeons. Yes, you heard me right – pigeons. The story may seem convoluted, but it is about an acquisition of a pigeon orchestrated by Dornan so he could land a billion dollar account for his firm. And yes, it was fascinating, who would have thought? It gave me an insight into that pigeon race of sending them off from Barcelona and tracking which one flies home the quickest. Dornan is a presence, for sure, and I didn’t think he was too bad here – he is very muted, for sure, but you cannot stop looking at him, and that is more than enough. He is definitely a movie star. The side romantic story line seems like an afterthought – they don’t have chemistry and I didn’t care at all.